I think men disappear from our lives for a reason. Well, I say that but I still look back at certain situations from my past and wonder "WTF happened?" Was it something I said? Something I didn't say? Was there something in my teeth? Was it what I was wearing? Was I not charismatic or charming enough? Was I too charismatic and charming? Did he prefer a silent type? Was it my aloofness? Or, was I too eager? Was it my voice? My slight Texan accent? Was it when I pulled out a cigarette and smoked, inhaling deeply? Was it when I laughed at something that wasn't funny? Or did I not laugh enough? Was I not pretty enough? Did I not dress slutty enough? Was my ass too big? That's it.
He saw my ass.
He SAW my ethnic ass and the way it jiggles when I walk. It was too big. Way too big for him. I knew it.
Maybe I wore too much perfume.
These are all assumptions that I used to ponder late at night, during the pangs of loneliness and chocolate overload and watching too much television. But who the shit knows know why these men stopped calling? I used to imagine calling these "lost" men and saying:
"Hey. I know you were kind of weird and stuff and I really didn't like you all that much anyway, and you're really not my type, and you're not tall enough, but, why the fuck did you stop calling? I mean it would have been nice to have somebody, anybody pursue me just to say I was being pursued. So, what the hell was wrong with me? You're the one who had a slight lisp and bad breath on occasion. C'mon. Just tell me. What did I do wrong? I just need to know, so, next time, when a potential man comes into my life, of course, who's cuter, smarter and well, has more to offer than you, I won't make those same so-called mistakes."
Then, there are the online phantom men I NEVER see in real life flesh and blood, just have mild flirtations with and the semi-intention of actually meeting.
I'm really learning that if two people are supposed to meet, they will fucking meet.
There have been so many men in my online dating realm who have seemed absolutely perfect on the screen with good looks, charisma and what seemed like a job. I never met these men. They exist in the realm of 0's and 1's, HTML or JAVA script programming gleaming from my computer screen. They ask for my number. We chit chat for brief or long periods of time on the phone. We say we're going to meet next week or the week after. He may call again and we may chat again and we may have a date scheduled and he may cancel or I may cancel. And, I may never answer his call because I don't like the sound of his voice or something in my stomach tells me it isn't right, something is off.
I like to call the first encounter of meeting someone online "Date Zero." To actually get to this "Date Zero" is a miracle in itself, if not incredibly dissapointing.
My favorite part about actually meeting these men is being able to watch their lips move when they speak. You can't tell from their photos that their lip twitches or is slightly crooked and sort of caves in when they smile. Or you can't see the way their eyes sort of squint or jiggle when they try to laugh. Or, how about the slight limp when they walk and the tapered leg jeans that look like floods? Who the hell wears tapered leg jeans?
I just got an e-mail from some other CEO guy. He's supposedly back from his "business trip." He said: "I am now back and I am excited to see you." He then put a smiley face and his name.
How the hell was I supposed to respond? I said: "Thank you, that's sweet- you too." even though I don't know who the hell this person is. My theory is if a guy sends me a one-line e-mail, he gets a one-line e-mail right back. He then wrote: "When should we meet? I think you are going to like me..."
I told him Saturday might be good for me. I said Saturday because it's a prime time day and if he's married, he definitely can't make it. Also, why the hell would someone write "I think you are going to like me?" Reverse psychology if you ask me because it really implies that I wouldn't like him.
I have yet to hear back from him about meeting on Saturday. I feel like I'm a journalist on that "To Catch a Predator" where I throw them the bait and they show up to find camera crews and and I have a microphone taped to me and I say "So, why are you doing this?" Married men who troll for online dates are the scum of the earth. It is so disgusting and desperate it makes my skin crawl.
How will I ever know if he's married? Were my responses too brief? Maybe it was my height. I should have checked off 5'6" instead of 5'4".
WHO CARES! Who really gives a shit what these strange men think of me! These men disappear and flutter back away into their cyber world nerdy caves. I'm learning to appreciate and savor my alone time with my chocolate and bad television. For, it is in these moments that I am discovering who I really am, what I'm really about and what I really want. I am becoming more intuitive, more perceptive, more aware of what I stand for...and dishonest men will automatically disappear from my life.
But, maybe it could have been the crinkle on my forehead when I looked surprised to see how unattractive they were?
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