Simplicity Anyone?

I stumbled lately out of bed this morning and tripped my way to the subway, eyes half closed with no makeup to find a massive hoard of angry people hovering at the subway entrances. Everyone looked like cavemen scratching their heads and groins. The man wearing socks with sandals next to me couldn't understand the police officer when he told us "THERE ARE NO TRAINS RUNNING IN ALL OF MANHATTAN." The socks and sandals man then proceeded to go down the stairs to the subway station only to emerge again, looking overly pissed off and confused. Like the police officer hadn't told him that "THERE ARE NO TRAINS RUNNING IN ALL OF MANHATTAN."

All 24 lines to the marvelous NY Public Fucking Transportation System were apparently flooded from some blazing thunderstorm tornado that ripped apart Brooklyn last night.

I am really convinced that the Locusts are definitely on their way.

In a period of three short weeks I've experienced an EXPLOSION, a building COLLAPSE near my apartment(I'll explain later), a SHOOTING in front of my apartment door (I'll explain later), and now, a massive FLOOD. What's next? Are these signs from some God or a Higher Power or the Allah Global Warming?

I managed to squeeze onto a smelly bus and then I walked 40 blocks in high heels to midtown Manhattan with sweat beads dripping from my crotch to my toes. I then had to share a cab with some leathery old lady with frizzy hair from Connecticut:

"Nothing works anymore. This country is falling apart! They can't even hold a bridge up! The infrastructure of this country is collapsing from within!" she spewed. Driver! Can you please hurry!"

As Connecticut leather bags continued on her soapbox, I studiously looked out the window at the thousands of people frantically walking to work with their briefcases, backpacks, I-pods, Blackberries, bluetooths, Gameboys, laptops and Grande Frappucinos. It occurred to me that just 100 years ago people didn't need all of this shit. We didn't even HAVE public transportation.

In the world of television programming, there is a well known concept called "Feeding the Beast." Basically, the concept's theory is that a television viewer becomes increasingly sophisticated and demands more and more from a show.

The catch is that the MORE you feed the viewers, the MORE they want, and thus the cycle of dissatisfaction begins and ratings start to drop.

Will we ever have enough? Will we ever be satisfied? When public transportation fails us I've realized that the only true remedy is a teletransporter, that way, we can instantly be anywhere at anytime on time for that important conference call in between instant messaging our potential clients so we can sell them more stuff to communicate with.

When my Blackberry Pearl 8100 dies and I can't get to one of my TWO chargers (one for work, one for home) I feel lost, empty and alone, like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. When my cell phone dies, I die with it...

This morning I set up a web domain for my blog and here are SOME of the instructions:

Open the Domains tab and select My Domain Names. You'll be directed to the Manage Domains page.
Click the domain that you'd like to use with your blog.
Click the Total DNS Control And MX Records in the box entitled Total DNS Control.
Click Add New CNAME Record. If you've already created a CNAME record for your blog's address, click Edit next to the existing CNAME record.
For the Name, enter only the subdomain of the address you want to use for your blog. For example, if you picked www.mydomain.com as your address, enter www here.
Enter ghs.google.com as the Host Name.
Click Continue, and then click Add. If you're editing an existing CNAME record, click Continue and Update.


Really? Is that all?

Love Forecast: Chilly But Clear

So, I've been perusing through HotEnough.org. It Sucks with a capital S. When I go to the search menu and type in "Men, ages 25-45, within 25 miles of New York, NY, FOUR men show up. That's right, FOUR men. In a city of 8 million, FOUR men stare back at me from the computer screen. One of the four doesn't even count because he lives in Parsippany, New Jersey. Parsippany? Parsippany? Who makes up these names?

Maybe they have some more tweaking to do on the site. Or, maybe more people need to sign the fuck up. Such an illusion! Such a gimmick! My inbox is at 0.

I got a call last night from one of my potential men on my other "dating" site. Before I listened to the message, I said a lil' prayer:

"Dear God, if you exist, and I know you do because I'll be off of work for the third day in a row, please, please, don't let this guy's voice be high pitched. Please don't let him have a lisp. Please make him sound normal. Please let him leave a witty message that would make me want to call him back."

I played the message:

"That's really funny...Hey (name retracted), this is (name retracted) from Yahoo....It's not quite as beautiful out as it was yesterday, but hey it could be worse. Just callin' to say hey...give me a call when you get a chance."

First of all, WHAT was really funny? And, why was he talking about the weather? The last time I had a guy leave a message about the weather on my voicemail, I ended up in a three month relationship with him and he turned out to be a hedge fund cokehead:

"Hey (name retracted) it's (name retracted) from Match.com. Oh God. The weather is so amazing, so beautiful. I'm driving out of the city now with my top down...and...oh....it's incredible! Give me a call when you get a chance."

I mean, who really cares about the weather? Do you sit around thinking about the weather? Do you leave messages with your friends talking about the slight breeze in the air or how the temperature dropped from 62 to 58?

I'm learning that the weather is THE topic for New Yorkers. EVERY conversation at work or with friends starts out with:

"It's nice out today," or "Oh God, it's cold! Freezing!" or "You know, it's supposed to rain next Thursday?" or "Did you go out this weekend? The weather was perfect."

I'm from Texas, so, to me, the topic of weather is the LAST thing you talk about with someone. It usually happens as an afterthought because you've run out of things to talk about and you realize you don't have anything in common with this person.

Do New Yorkers have an obsession with the weather because the weather here is so shitty? Like, it's a miracle when the sun comes out, or everyone is holed up in their cubicles for such long periods of time that when they see the sun or smell fresh air they freak out? Or, the dark, jagged concrete buildings hide the sky and when New Yorkers actually look up they have an impulse to comment on the clouds or the storm headed our way?

Do you think when someone steps out of their villa in Bermuda they say "Wow. Great Weather." Isn't it sort of implied that it's great weather? Is there a need to discuss it?

Everyone at work has the local forecast at the top of their favorites on their computers. Are people just that boring that the weather is the ONLY thing to discuss? Will talking about the weather change the weather? Will analyzing the weather change the weather?

People are also obsessed with the weather forecasters here on the news. The meteorologists here are superstars. Royalty. Like THEY are responsible for the changes in the weather and they can part the Red Sea. They are GODS.

Since I'm coming out of my shell a little more this Spring, I'm convinced I might have that thing called Seasonal Affective Disorder. You know, where you're sad when it's cold and happy when it's warm. But, have I developed it because I live in New York? And, really, who the hell is happy in subzero weather? Let me go frolick in the black disgusting sludge piled up on the streets.

Maybe I'm too picky with men? Maybe I should call him back?

Maybe I'll meet him for a drink next week if the weather is nice.