Internet Anxiety

I think I'm addicted to the internet. I spend on average a total of nine hours a day on this thing. I asked my mom if she thinks I'm addicted to the internet and she said I needed it to escape.

On my way home on the subway, I picked up a copy of the "Learning Annex". It was while considering taking a course on "Find Hot Property in Harlem and the Bronx" and "Get Paid to Drink" that I had my first gut wrenching anxiety attack. I thought I had mild ones before, (always on the train) but this one shot deep down from my insides all the way up to my head. The 2 express train was moving so fast and shaking that I thought I was in some horrible nightmare... that I had created myself... and I should really take a course to better myself... and I really shouldn't be spending 9 hours a day on the internet... and I should take a course on how to make more than $36,000 a year before taxes.

Then, some feeling of calm and clarity came over me. Don't ask me how or why, but all of a sudden I felt everything was going to be OK. Something about "your ego mind will never be satisfied,we're all headed out of here anyway, it doesn't matter if you spend 9 hours or 24 hours a day on the internet." Blah blah blah...but I felt OK.

I used to gawk and smirk at people who had supposedly gone crazy from living in New York.They were those "city people." Now, as my one year anniversary appoaches, I can't help but contemplate if I am a little bit crazier, like I can hear the sound of a needle drop.

It seems widely accepted for New Yorkers to throw their inner demons and bottled up frustration into various substances,to escape. I binge drink about once or twice a week and smoke like a chimney, but other than that, that's about it. The rest of the week is spent surfing and being sucked into the internet(s) at my 9 to 5 receptionist job.

After I had semi-recovered from my anxiety attack on the train, I picked up "The Learning Annex" again. I opened it to the seminar: "How to Take Control of Your Drinking Now So You Won't Need AA!"Is your drinking hurting your health, your job or your relationships? Are you wondering if you have a serious problem but you can't imagine never drinking again?You will learn: The difference between problem drinking alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence,etc. etc. etc."

I really can't make this shit up.

I think with any addiction, we learn to rationalize and disguise it so well, to convince ourselves that we're really OK.

But, I guess we are all really OK. At least that's what I felt on the subway for that brief fleeting moment, convinced I was an internet addict.

I'm pretty sure I am.